Orange Juice & Gasoline

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

2009-05-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

So. Here we are again. It's a familiar situation, no? You know the one I'm talking about. You there, behind your computer screen, staring at this page fuming with rage and other scary stuff, and me, well I just frown. I know I neglect you baby, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, right? Let's just put all of this non-updating stuff behind us and just make.. looooove. How you ask? Well... by posting review number one of my

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER REVIEW PARTY!!!!!!!!

YAY!

I decided that in my endless amounts of boredom and in waiting for my damned Justice League episodes to download, fucking torrents, that I had nothing better to do than to show up and fill the internet with more of my bullshit writing. It's full of everyone else's bullshit writing, why can't I do it too? I guess I already have, I just don't do it very often. I think I might just create a Twitter for these reviews. Surely I could type 144 characters for a review right? Right?!

Meh.

Today we're gonna start with the first of the big summer movies that have hit this year, and appropriately, the first of them I saw. That's right, I'm talking about:

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I know what you're thinking though. "But Joey. That movie came out in May, how can it be a summer blockbuster?" Well, let me answer that. It just is. It's not my fault all of the studios felt the need to release their big movies before summer actually got here. Maybe they're just all scared of Transformers pounding their box office numbers in the ass. Robot rape, with explosions. Michael Bay, FTW.

Now before I start this review I would like to point out some very important information. I, before anything else, am a comic book fan. There's nothing I like more than sitting down with a nicely prepared book of colorful art and well written prose. My entire childhood rests on the backs of characters and worlds created in comic books. My mind may as well exist in a land of comic book art, because I associate my entire life with the collective works of the comic book medium. Even Mark Millar.... MARK MILLAR! Ahem. Yes. Moving on.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is the first film in the Origins group of films and the fourth film in the X-Men franchise. The story follows comic book god character James "Wolverine" Howlett all throughout his life. Based loosely on the Origin comic book, which chronicled the life of Wolverine in great detail, X-Men Origins hit with quite a bit of hype surrounding it. Hugh Jackman is the only returning actor from the series, reprising his role as the X-Men's resident bad ass. Jackman also took up the mantle as a producer for the movie and I'm sure he had a hand in some of the other casting.

Before we talk about the movie some more, I want to say something about Gavin Hood. Fuck him. Hood came onto the Hollywood scene some time ago, but didn't really make a big mainstream splash until he put out Rendition, which starred Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. I never saw that movie, but I did hear some very good things about it. So when I heard that Hood was going to direct Wolverine, I was kind of excited. Then he does the very thing that pisses me off about comic book Hollywood. Hood comes out and says that he was never a fan of the books and that he never read them. He also said that he learned to love the character after reading up on him, but to me, that is not acceptable. A director hired who knows nothing about the source material, just irritates me. There are plenty of directors out there who know the X-Men franchise and every one of them would understand him better than Hood. Instead, we get a generic summer action film with some cool effects and the director trying to stuff some political undertones into it. SHIT.

The biggest appeal of Wolverine to me, and to many comic book fans, was surely the inclusion of a handful of lesser known comic book characters. I was ecstatic when I heard that the entire Weapon X program and some of the members were going to finally be in a movie. I love the Weapon X storyline, especially because it delivered me my favorite comic book character of all time. Deadpool. If you look at the movie's cast, you have Deadpool. Sabretooth, Maverick, Bolt, The Blob, Silverfox, Gambit, and even Emma Frost. Talk about fan service. Tons of beloved characters involved here. Even the casting of the roles was pretty much spot on, for the most part. Kevin Durang played an awesome Blob, Taylor Kitsch delivered as Gambit, Liev Schreiber was a good Sabretooth even without the right look, Ryan Reynolds was crafted by God to play Deadpool, and even will.i.am was a decent Kestrel. How can they fuck this up?!

The biggest flaw in this movie is the writing. That is undeniable. I don't blame Hugh Jackman, I don't blame Gavin Hood, I just blame the writers. I don't know who David Benioff and Skip Woods are, but they're now officially assholes. A little bit of research reveals that Benioff is actually a semi-well respected writer. He writes novels, including the 25th Hour, which was well adapted by Spike Lee into a good movie starring Edward Norton. However, when one looks at Skip Woods' filmography, you see the problem. Skip Woods' is the writer on such masterpieces as Swordfish, Htman, and the upcomic GI Joe and A-Team movies. A real genius. I now officially blame Skip Woods for ruining my life. FUCK SKIP WOODS.

How does any one person fuck up such a large amout of characters? I'm not sure that's even possible. I'm not sure he got even one character in that entire fucking movie correct outside of Wolverine and Sabretooth, who are still variations of themselves. Bolt on Team-X? An Asian merciless Maverick? Emma Frost as a flat-chested teenager with only diamond skin? Cyclops being hunted by Weapon X? A MOUTHLESS DEADPOOL? Gambit running up the fucking wall with a broken bo staff? I hate my life.

The entire time that was watching Wolverine, I felt like I was being raped. If you can imagine this film as a large man, picture him straddling my face against my will. That's what it was like. The writing was terrible, the characters were all ruined, and the storyline itself was laughable. I don't really know who to blame for this monstrosity, but we'll just settle on Fox. They hired everyone, so fuck them. Everything that happens in Wolverine is just an excuse for Hugh Jackman to yell, kill people, and dominate. If they're not setting up scenes for Jackman, they're setting up the inclusion of another character they don't understand.

In all, Wolverine is a mess of a comic book film. Most of the characters are two-dimensional or flat, outside of maybe Wolverine. Sabretooth is violent for no real reason and everyone else acts without a single though running through their mind. The highlights of the movie are the first five minutes you see each character, because after their five minutes they all go down hill. The only good things to come out of this movie are some cool fight seens, some stuff to make fun of, and some spin-offs for Taylor Kitsch and Ryan Reynolds. I will say however, to be fair, if you're not invested into these wonderful characters, you may like Wolverine. Without my knowledge of these characters, Wolverine could be just a big dumb action movie, and there's nothing wrong with that. Explosions, death, swords, and mutants. Sounds cool to me.

Grade: D

Seven Pounds

2009-03-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked at yourself really hard in the mirror and wondered "How heavy are my organs?". I have. In fact my organs weigh..

Seven Pounds.

In this hard hitting drama, director Gabrielle Muccino, formerly of the Pursuit of Happyness, pairs once again with Hollywood heavyweight Will Smith to whip another tale of loss and redemption at us in movieland. With an ensemble cast, a strong script, and support from the major studios, Muccino attempts to hit us with strike number two of his one-two combo of heavy dramas. How does he fare? Lets find out.

Will Smith stars as Ben Thomas, an IRS Agent with a secret. Tormented daily by the weight of his actions in his previous life, Thomas sets out on a mission of redemption. By finding seven honest to god good people, Thomas commits his life to changing these peoples' lives whether they know it or not. Along the way he meets and enters into a deep relationship with Emily, played by the stunning Rosario Dawson. As the relationship between Ben and Emily strengthens, Ben continues his quest of helping these complete strangers in their times of need. Supported by a monsterous supporting cast of Woody Harrelson, Barry Pepper, and Michael Ealy, who act as the people Thomas aims to help, we follow as Smith leads us on a journey for Ben to overcome the devilish secret in his past.

I've read all over the internet that Seven Pounds was a poor film, and I'm going to respectfully disagree. For my money, Seven Pounds was one hell of a film. While I will go ahead and say that it wasn't anything stunning or ground breaking, I cannot find it in me to see this as a bad movie. Right from the beginning, the film touts it's greatest assett, the strength of the actors involved. There isn't a single scene in this movie that is poorly done, so kudos to all involved. I myself am a fan of Mr. Will Smith and I was glad to see him turn in another wonderful perfomance as a man hell bent on helping others. Redemption is a common theme in movies and Seven Pounds delivers a strong tale of that. I was also pleased with the performances of the entire supporting cast, especially Rosario Dawson as Emily, an artist by trade with a heart ailment that prevents her from working in her field. I wish Hollywood would give her more of a chance to be the heavyweight in the leading actiress role she can be.

Seven Pounds however, isn't without flaw. There's nothing glaring at you as a problem, at least not to me, but there are a few issues to be addressed. At times, the sense of drama and mood in the story is a little much. I know the story is meant to be played very seriously, but very rarely does that mood change. Some may think that's a good thing, but it can be a little daunting to feel consumed by drama for two hours. Also, as much as I appreciate the story and watching Smith travel his dark road of redemption, parts of the story are a little unfocused. I get that the relationship between Emily and Ben is one of the main themes of the movie, but its presented in a way that makes it feel like its a distraction from the rest of the plot. Some parts feel under developed because so much time is diverted to the time Ben spends on Emily.

Overall, Seven Pounds seems like a pretty strong film to me. I didn't find it to be lacking anything, but rather, its execution was off. Some mood changes and a more focused would have accompanied the strong performances and relatable characters much better and we would have had a much better film to talk about today.

Grade: B

Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

2009-02-25T06:33:00.000-08:00

Oh my god.. a second blog in two days?! Yes indeed.

This is going to be the first of my brief reviews. Last night I sat and watched a documentary of one of the written word's most legendary figures, Hunter S. Thompson. The documentary, "Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson" is narrated by the infamous Johnny Depp whose deep and soft voice paints a wonderful picture of the once great journalist. In its two hour running time the film covers just about every aspect of Hunter's life one could expect. His birth, his childhood, his big break in journalism, Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing, etc. Told completely through a combination of interviews with people who knew him, Johnny Depp's narration, and old video of the man himself, I'd say the fim does a great job painting a portrait of HST. I knew little of the man before watching the film and now, I feel compelled to reach out and explore his work.

I definitely reccomend watching this documentary. Whether you are a fan of his work or know very little about him, the film is an entertaining watch either way.

Overall Score: A

Friday the 13th (2009)

2009-02-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

To say that the original Friday the 13th is one of the most important horror movies of all time is an understatement. When you look at the movie today, the influences it had on modern culture are far to obvious to ignore. It was the movie that took the original slasher idea and turned it into a staple of not just the horror genre, but of the movie industry. Nearly all of the cliches established in modern slasher films can be traced back to the original Friday and with good reason, it's a great film. It may not have the dramatic build and critical acclaim that movies like The Godfather and Citizen Kane have, but its surely just as important. Looking back on that film, its hard to figure out where the film industry went wrong.

There's nothing better than a bit of nostalgia in the late hours of the night. Its like the aroma of a really strong cup of coffee, it just inspires you. So sit there and take a whiff as I review the newly released remake / reboot of one of horror's most beloved franchises.

The idea of remaking movies is a touchy subject for me. To be honest, I don't think that anyone can be whole-heartedly for or against the concept. There are some movies in the past that really deserve to be remade, movies that relied on effects and shock factor in a time where the technology wasn't as capable, these movies are fair to be remade into modern blockbusters, but there's also movies that should just be left alone. Certain movies that are made should be worshipped by lovers of film, not rehashed by modern studios in an attempt to draw in new viewers for a watered down piece of shit copy. The horror genre is especially raped by this dastardly plight of the modern big studio system. If someone came up to me and told me that they were going to remake The Godfather, I might just punch them in the pancreas. The Godfather is a classic and should be (and is) treated like so. Then why isn't the horror genre extended this very same pleasure?

Nothing is sacred in the world of horror apparently. This modern trend of taking literal horror classics and remaking them for a new and modern audience has bothered me since it began in 2003 with the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. While I have nothing against the remake itself, as I enjoyed it, that's quite like shitting on my sandwich. The original Massacre by Tobe Hooper was a fucking masterpiece of a horror film. Shot by amatuer film-makers on a low budget in the middle of the country, Massacre broke a lot of horror boundaries. It was a brutal film, even if it can be a bit hokey. However, somewhere in the world someone sitting atop some sort of mountain of money and babies decided that remaking the movie would be a great idea! (Michael Bay) The original is far too crappy right? So lets just take it and make a big budget adaptation that strips away a lot of the "charm" the original had in liue of name stars and cliche survivor girl antics! Little did they know they had just beheaded baby jesus.

Alas, what I'm trying to say is that when it comes to horror movies, there are certain stories you just shouldn't remake. We have icons too y'know? I mean, they even remade the fucking Shining. I know its an adaptation and all, and honestly its fair game, but c'mon! Did we need a second adaptation after Kubrick pretty much turned it into the greatest horror movie of all time? No. Remakes turn out to be big money and so with Texas in the bag, the rape of horror's biggest icons began! We soon got a remake of Halloween and a dozen Japanese horror films (do not get me started on that shit). Following them closely was Friday the 13th (I'll get to it I swear) and the planned Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street remakes. God I hate the world.

Anyhow, I've gotten off track! I need to start my, ahem, short review of Friday the 13th! Now!

Friday the 13th is the 2009 reboot of the classic 80's slasher film series. Most of the original movies followed the same plot; Horny degenerate teenagers head off to Camp Crystal Lake for a weekend of sin only to be cut down by the monsterous Jason Voorhees in a path of revenge for some camp counselors letting him drown and killing his mother years earlier. Fun right? Well this movie is not really much different. At least that got that much right..

The movie follows Clay (Jared Padalecki) who is in search of his missing little sister, who has ventured off to Crystal lake in the (far too long) opening sequence. As he posts flyers in the small surrounding town area, Clay has a run in with the aforementioned (second) group of horny young people. After a cute little interaction between the two main boys, the group heads off to the camp and Clay off to the rest of the town. Of course, you know the rest. Clay ends up at the camp and is terrorized by the gigantic slasher monster that is Jason. Not really much to summarize, right?

The biggest draw to this reboot of the Friday series was the supposedly new take on the character of Jason Voorhees. Before, Jason was a half retarded tank of a zombie with supernatural strength and endurance all in line with an uncanny ability of being ressurected everytime the producers needed more money. In the reboot however, Jason is a bit different. Gone is the super human strength and the zombie backstory, instead, Jason Voorhees is literally a towering man with amazing stamina and a learning disability, at least thats how it looks. There's a bit of an inconsistancy in the way that Jason is portrayed within the movie. On one hand, the newly established Jason is a master of hunting and killing. He's got tunnels that allow him to spring up all over the camp, he's well versed in the entire landscape, and he's pretty fucking efficient with more than a dozen different methods of killin' them humans. On the other hand, this monstrous killing machine manages to slip up on the story's two main characters. He fails to kill one when the sap is at his mercy, and just plain lets the other live. What the fuck writer? Am I supposed to believe this shit?

While I have my problems with the portrayal of the Jason character in the movie and the actual concept of the remake itself, I did enjoy the film. New Line Cinema has managed to effectively bring the Jason character back to life for a new generation of horror fans and update it to appeal to them as well. I applaud the film-makers for not feeing us another piece of shit movie with nothing but cliches to round out the story. Sure, the cliches are still there: the token black guy, the sex, and the drugs; but there's other more inventive stuff as well. Like a token asian guy! But seriously, in a world where it's very easy to just let your characters be horror movie idiots, the makers of Friday decided against it. For the first time in a while, the characters in the film seem to react like real people. Sticking together, freaking out, and calling the fucking police.

Overall, I'd say that Friday the 13th is definitely a pretty good remake. While it lacks the feel and charm of the original films, the film presents an enjoyable watch and delivers more than its share of kills. I found the plot to be interesting for its slight changes in the formula, but I was disapointed in the lack of real gore and the un-menacing portrayal of Jason Voorhees, the slasher genre's biggest bad ass.

Overall score: C+

2009-02-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Hello un-faithful followers of this blog. I know I haven't exactly posted enough to garner any attention, but I'd like to make an announcement. From here on out, I think i'll be posting shorter movie reviews, but in greater quanity. My goal is to post a short review of every single movie I watch. This will be quite a few posts seeing as I average about 12 a week, usually. Here's hoping I can achieve this monsteruous goal!

-- Love.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

2008-12-14T22:16:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, staring at my television screen whilst Michael Rennie explores a world that is not his own as Klaatu in the 1951 version of The Day the Earth Stood Still, the urge to write a review of the most horrible viewing of the month has taken over me. Last night, December 13th, 2008, I went to the local movie theater to watch the brand spanking new release of The Day the Earth Stood Still, a 2008 re-make of the original sci-fi classic. The movie was the topper on an eventful day and to say that it was a fulfilling experience, is a dramatic overstatement of the truth. As all of you know.. I do not lie. EVER. Never ever. So screw yourselves into your chairs ladies and gentlemen, lets get started on the OJ&G review of...

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL!

Lets start with a little bit of the history, shall we? The original Day was the brainchild of film producer Julian Blaustein; who sat out to make a movie that would emphasize and illustrate the general feelings of fear of in the Cold War Era in the United States. In looking for a relevant subject matter, Blaustein read through a plethora of science fiction based short stories, looking for a story to adapt into his film. After reading over 100 different stories, Blaustein settled on "Farewell to the Master" by Harry Bates, and contacted screenwriter Edmund H. North to produce a script based on the story. Green-lit by 20th Century Fox, the film was under way with director Robert Wise at the helm. Wise has previously directed Blood on the Moon and The Cure of the Cat People and would go on to direct such classics as: Run Silent, Run Deep, Helen of Troy, West Side Story, The Haunting, and The Sound of Music. See? Sci-Fi directors CAN make good movies! Who knew?

Fast-forward 57 years to present day and here we are again, the premier of 20th Century Fox's The Day the Earth Stood Still. Oh yes ladies and gents, the movie is back and it's bigger and better than ever, well, it's bigger for sure. Updated for the audience of the modern day film viewer, the casual kind I mean, this remake has everything the would-be sci-fi lover needs. You know.. explosions, lots of military, space creatures, and Keanu Reeves! Fuck yeah man.. what else is there? In saying that this modern retelling of one of film's most prolific days was a letdown, I'm being very kind to the people at 20th Century Fox...but, on to the review!

Our adventure opens with a lone man in the midst of a dramatic snow storm, set many years before present time. As the man emerges from his warm, cove-like tent, the man begins sifting through the heavy falling snow. He moves forward slowly, climbing the mountain on which he has settled, he is Keanu Reeves. With a beard clinging to his face like John McCain to life, Reeves makes his way up the stoney, snow covered ridges before coming across a wicked glowing object. He moves forward, cautiously, as one would be when approaching a strange glowing object. Contact is made, strange things happen, the movie really begins...

It's all down hill from there.

The overall plot of 2008's The Day the Earth Stood Still is essentially exactly the same as the 1951 classic. In a bold move in modern movie remakes, the plot of the modern film is similar to that of the successful original film! OMG! For those of you out there who have seen the wonderful film that was created in 1951, I need not explain this to you, but for everyone else.. let me continue my breakdown of the film.

After the quick opening with Keanu Reeves' character, we are pushed into modern day and introduced to our protagonist for the film, Helen Benson, a famed astrobiologist and school teacher played by the wonderful Jennifer Connelly. Contacted by the government to aid in a potentially cataclysmic event, Helen is thrust into a plane with a variety of other scientists and experts. From here we see Helen integrated into the world of the panicked military world. An unidentified object is speeding towards Earth, destined to collide with Manhattan in minutes and vaporize the metropolis, putting a dent in the world at the same time. As we all know, however, this torpedo from the heavens isn't a bomb or meteor, it is in fact, a vessel. The UFO slows in its descent and lands peacefully in Central Park where it is confronted by who else? The United States military.

The worried humans surround the giant object, a grand glowing sphere of matter and energy (I guess a flying disc was too cliche?). Out from the light emerges a figure, a strangely human figure. Of course the humans react with fear.. and shoot the fucking thing. Of course! This helps to underline the overall message of the film.. not that it isn't repeated every 2 minutes from there on out. Anyhow.. the creature is rushed to the military hospital to be treated for the wounds. It is here that we learn of the human body living beneath the extraterrestrial skin of the creature. Skipping over a few meaningly happenings, this human body turns out to be none other than Keanu Reeves, who reveals himself to be Klaatu! Ah yes.. now the protagonists are complete.

While in holding Klaatu is interviewed by the U.S. Secretary of Defense, Kathy Bates. Yep.. the bitch who smashed that dude's foot all to hell in Misery is the Secretary of Defense. Awesome. Klaatu is interrogated and drugged, tested and examined by all of the military itelligence officers and scientists who just want to know the unkown. Helen, being a humanitarian aids Klaatu in his escape so that he may try to save the planet Earth, and now we're in the movie. The rest of the film focuses on the balance of the military trying to learn everything they can about Klaatu and the gianormous G.O.R.T., as well as re-capture the fugitive Klaatu, who is constantly accompanied by Helen and her step-son Jacob (Jaden Smith).

One would think.. that a movie like this would be pretty good. Well.. you would if you hadn't been constantly burned and jaded by modern Hollywood's uncanny ability to butcher and fuck-up every wonderful intellectual property there is to adapt. I for one, was hopeful for the success of the film. I was very, very disappointed.

The problem with The Day the Earth Stood Still.. is just a lack of quality. Yes, the movie looks nice, the special effects are wonderful (but not top notch mind you..), the budget was likely more money than I'll ever encounter in a hundred lifetimes. It features wonderful actors (and actresses!), who, in their other films have turned in inspiring performances that will lead the next generation of mindless fucking prima donnas to millions of dollars worth of paparazzi fodder. You would think that when your movie's outline is a successful movie in itself, it would be hard to fuck things up. Take a good movie, with good actors, and a big budget, and what do you get? This crap.. apparently.

I think.. the primary problem with the entire film, is that it was just poorly written. Flat dialogue, random changes in tone and feeling, and just the poorest ending to a would-be epic sci-fi film I've ever seen. The Day the Earth Stood Still, in all of its efforts to maintain a serious and dramatic tone all throughout the film. With chase scenes, people on the run, tense experiments and attacks from G.O.R.T., the film still tries to interject scenes of unnceccesary sentimentiality between Helen and Jacob. Now, I don't have a problem with sub-plots and issues in a film. As we all know, they craft a better movie overall sometimes. The problem in this film, is execution. If the film-makers had opted to devote a certain part of the film to the emotional interaction and uniting of Helen and Jacob after a series of small scenes to build up the tension between them, that would have been effective. Instead we get random interjections of mother-son drama in the midst of the attempted epic tension that is Klaatu on the run from the military. Add this onto occasional cheesy dialogue and ridiculous overall happenings, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I would like to point out the one shining light in the film, his name is Keanu Reeves. It is my theory that Hollywood is trying their hardest to kill Keanu Reeve' career. Ever since his lead role in the Matrix films where he played a stone faced god-like figure, Hollywood has typecast him into the roles of the most lacking personalities in movie history. However, no matter how hard they try, Keanu manages to at least provide a little bit of flare to these lifeless figures. Now, I don't think Reeves is the best actor in the world, but credit has to be given for pulling off his modern roles like no-one else can. After The Matrix, Reeves has been written as a similar character in Constantine (a dramatic departure from the comic book counterpart), A Scanner Darkly, and Street Kings. It seems that either Hollywood doesn't know how to write roles that emphasize his better abilities without looking lifeless, or if they just cast him in the worst writing jobs to make it look intentional. Regardless of the cause, Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu perfectly. In a mix between Neo and the Terminator, Reeves' lifeless performance manages to stand out in a world of horrid excuses for life.

That's not to say that the other actors were horrible, most of it was the fault of the script. Kathy Bates was mediocre, Jaden Smith was good for a kid (I guess), and Connelly plays her role well, even if it was a poorly characterized generic woman role. The best feature however, was the wonderful appearance of John Cleese in a non-comedic role. Cleese's appearance and interaction with Klaatu is the highlight of the film.. outside of the explosions that is.

The final point I'd like to touch on in this review.. is the overall moral message of the film. A lot like the original film, the modern version of Day touches on the violent demeanor of society and the destruction of our world by our own hands. Unlike the original movie however, the message is so blatantly displayed all throughout the movie, its hard to walk away not feeling scolded by the film. I've never experienced film that so directly scorns the world and the audience, firing a less than subtle shot at the world every 5 minutes or so. It felt like the movie wrote the moral on a hammer and continuosly smacked me in the fucking face all through the movie. The only problem with the moral.. is that its the same thing we all hear on the nightly news and from the mouths of politicians each and every night. Lame.

Overall, The Day the Earth Stood Still is a poor remake and an even poorer replacement for the classic. If I were you.. just go cop yourself the 50's version and enjoy the pure lifestyles and hilarious vocabulary. It's still a far superior film.

Overall Rating : D

(Look! New Scoring Format!)

P.S.

Look.. a special extra review.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951)
It fucking rules.

Overall Rating : A

003. The Happening

2008-10-06T15:22:00.000-07:00

Hello Hello. Yes. Hello kiddies. That's right. I'm back with another stunning film review for all of my TWO readers. That's right fuckers. Its spreading like the fucking plague. Soon.. I'll have two and a half readers. A half? Yes. I need to meet some midgets.. and soon. Get on it.

Today.. we're going to talk about a little film you may have heard about. The Happening.

The Happening is the latest movie from M. Night Shyamalan. The film focuses on a small group of people on the run from a mysterious occurance that's rendering innocent denziens of America into helpless little vegetables. Now before I continue, I would just like to let everyone know one thing. I fucking hate M. Night Shymalan. I've seen most of his movies and personally, I believe them to be shit. Now I do hold a special place in my heart for Unbreakable, and just like everyone else, I enjoyed the Sixth Sense, but lets face it.. I have a raging hard on for Bruce Willis, so I'm giving him ALL of the credit. Fuck the little indian guy.

Before I get into the actual movie.. I'd like to provide a little bit of background into me watching the movie. As most of you know, I work at Hollywood Video. We receive the movies a week prior to their release date so that the employees can watch the movies to provide aid to any customer in peril. You know the types. "Oh please movie god.. Tell me.. is Mee the Spartans any good?". Yes. Them. Normally however.. I just watch whatever the hell I want to watch and just tell the dumb savages who shop at the store that their movie taste is divine. This week proved to be different however. After burning through the rentals that I was personally interested in, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer and 30 Rock Season Two (Tina Fey FTW), I decided that I would step up and rent the "blockbusters". These so called office breakers for the week were Adam Sandler's "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" and of course, M. Night's "The Happening".

Now, up to this point, I'd felt that I'd been a little bit unfair to my little indian companion and decided to give the Happening a fair chance. After all, it has the gorgeous Zooey Deschanel and Mark fucking Wahlberg in it, how bad could it be? In such, I sat the movie aside to watch after digesting the longer "Zohan". I still cannot tell if that was a mistake or not. I sat through the ridiculous SHIT that was the Zohan and proceeded to pop the Happening's cute little disc into my X-Box... my adventure then began.

The Happening opens with a scene in Central Park. Two girls talking on a park bench just as the invisble menace of the film strikes, rendering many of the citizens passing through immobile and suicidle. This initial scene sets the tone for the movie and introduces us to the threat itself, before we meet out protagonists for the film. Initially The Happening focuses on two middle aged school teachers. Elliot (Mark Wahlberg) a science teacher and Julian (John Leguizamo) a math teacher, who are pulled from their class rooms to attend a mid-day staff meeting. They are told of the threat and that school is cancelled, it is here that the plan for Elliot, Julian, and their families to escape is introduced.

From the school we follow Elliot home to meet with his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel) before they leave to meet up with Julian at the train station. The "attack" has spread over more of New York and they all plan to travel to Philadelphia (That's in Pennsylvania folks) until these "Happenings" clear up. At the train station we meet Julian daughter Jess, whom after a short period into the movie, Elliot and Alma are forced to take into their care. The rest of the movie follows the group and other would be survivors as they travel along in an attempt to escape the mysterious attacks on humans.

Going into this movie.. I expected the worst. Like most people, I'd heard that the only redeeming value of this movie was Mark Wahlberg and let me tell you folks, that's a fucking lie. I really couldn't tell you what it is, but Mark Wahlberg playing a straight laced school teacher with an emotional attatchment to a mood ring, just doesn't seem right. It seemed awfully forced at times, and rightfully so, Mark Wahlberg could easily face off againt any of Shymalan's boogie man antagonists. Aliens? Dead. Creatures in the forest? Dead. The dead? Dead... but it wasn't jus the perception. It almost seemed like Wahlberg had a hard time turning himself into such a pansy that his nice guy reactions seemed.. fake.

Now The Happening wasn't all bad. I applaude M. Night for taking an old school atmosphere approach to a horror film, if you can call it that. His use of the central antagonist was good and the shots displaying this menace were very well done. Overalll the story was well crafted but the overall concept was kind of flat from the start. In the moment when you find out what's causing all of the mysterios "happenings" may be the very same moment that you scoff at the entire film.

More often than not, I wouldn't reccomend this movie to anyone but Shymalan fans, not because its bad, but because of the movie's tendancy to result in a gargantuan "Meh". The Happening suffers from an almost uneventful plot, weak characters, and a serious lack of tension and atmosphere. Oh and let's not forget the super-exciting "twist" at the end of the movie, that just lack the previous movies M. Night has done, was unspectactular and fails to hold up to the bar set by "The Sixth Sense"

Grade: C

For being stunningly average..

An Afterthought

2008-09-02T12:33:00.000-07:00

So.. while re-reading my blog from last night.. I realize I may have been a little harsh. I was venting... but you know.. it happens. I don't hate everyone who quotes the Dark Knight... nor anyone who thinks its the best movie ever. I just hate the general population...

That is all.

(EDIT)
I also realize that the rant makes it seem like I don't think you can be a Batman fan having only seen the movies. This is not true. I just get frustrated with what I refer to as "Teen Titans Syndrome", where one becomes infatuated with an adaptaion of a great series, and then act like they're the defacto source of information about it.

Also.. as pointed out earlier.. the rant comes off as kind of elitist with the Kubrick stuff and such.. and it shouldn't. I just don't understand why people haven't seen at least ONE Kubrick movie >.>

Just Fucking Stop.

2008-09-02T01:10:00.000-07:00

Now.. I know this blog was me reviewing movies. Well, it has been all of the two times I've posted in the piece of shit.. but I think I'm gonna break up my record breaking cycle with a rant. Now.. I know what you're thinking. I'm super original in my idea of ranting on a fucking blog. Well get the fuck over it. I'm gonna rant my ass off because I've about had my limit of some shit these days.. So this is my message to each and every person out there.. today and tomorrow. Maybe even yesterday. If you're reading these.. pay fucking attention.

STOP WITH THE DARK KNIGHT SHIT.

I'm sick of it. Everyone and their fucking mother is walking around town like some bad ass quoting Heath Ledger and acting like they're Bat-Fans. Guess what loyal readers, you're not! Fuck you. Just because you've seen the Dark Knight.. one of the greatest comic book movies of all time.. it doesn't make you some kind of Batman loving bad ass. I swear to god.. if I hear one more person ask me if I "Want to see a magic trick?" I'm gonna stab a goddamn pencil into my OWN EYE. You people.. are not special. You think you rock just because you've seen the 6th Batman movie twice, smarten up asshole, so has everyone else in the world. Right now there are 19 little kids in Indonesia who've seen the fucking movie twice as many times as you. Stop quoting it.. stop writing about it.. stop talking about it.. I'm gonna fucking puke.

"Oh my god.. The Dark Knight is the best movie EVER!!"

Newsflash you ape.. It's not. Now maybe.. to your minuscule fucking brain.. you believe the Dark Knight to be the best thing since sliced bread... this message is for you. First off, c'mon.. Sliced Bread has got to be the most fucking convenient food item ever. I mean.. I just grab a slice or two.. and BAM, I have like 22 meal options in that very moment. Second.. you're fucking stupid. Now.. I know it's hard to refute an opinion.. but lookie here kids.. I'm doing it. If at any point.. you think the Dark Knight is the best movie you've ever seen.. here's what you need to do.

1. Get off of your ass.
2. Read a book.. likely a pre-school book, you know.. one suitable to your intelligence level.
3. Get in your Truck.. you know, the one caked in mud with a super loud engine.
4. Drive down to your local movie rental establishment. (Not mine you hick)
5. Look for the name.. Stanley Kubrick.
6. Rent that film.
7. Watch it.. over and over again until you learn what a great fucking movie is.

See? How easy is that.. and this is only day one.

Now.. I don't want any of this to reflect in a way that puts The Dark Knight in a negative light. I loved The Dark Knight, really I did. I saw it twice in theaters.. and I wanted to go more. I talked for days with my friends about the movie.. quoting and dancing, the whole she-bang.. this was before the entire population of the world was doing the same. Even then though.. I felt it was my right as a long standing comic book fan and overall Batman lover to often speak highly of a film based on the Caped Crusader. It just.. tweeks my nipples that now, every public school retard (fuck P.C.) who's seen TWO Bats movies.. is suddenly a bloody scholar in the world of Batman. EVERYONE knows this.. or KNOWS that.. but really.. they don't know shit.

I'm sick of BATMANIA... or should I say, JOKERMANIA. That may in fact be the worst part of this whole phenomenon. When I look at my calender I dread every day that passes in the path to Halloween, because I know.. that when that day rolls around and I look out to the street... I'm going to encounter about 3.2 million fucking Jokers. This.. is really too much. The DC Universe can barely handle ONE Joker.. how the fucker am I supposed to deal with that 3.2 million times multiplied. Then again, its not like these ignorant sheep will know anything of the Joker himself. It's just gonna be a cluster fuck of painted up embarassments.. walking around talking like Christian Slater and licking their lips.. I think I'm just gonna grab Diana's Lasso and round all of these ignorant fuckers up. Maybe I'll go easy on them and just hurl them into the Ocean.. not punish them like they deserve to be punished. I'll leave that kind of agony to the Joker from Killing Joke.. a REAL fucking psycho.

And I swear to god.. if I hear one more person advocating anarchy as blowing up random buildings.. I'm gonna rape and pillage every small town from here to Brazil.

"Everybody Dies!"

2008-04-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

If you've ever met me, you probably know that I have a special love for horror movies. As most avid movie watchers will tell you, horror movies tend to range from absolutely shit to really good. Very rarely does a horror film expand into greatness, that seems to be a realm reserved for dramas with a message, at least thats what many would have you believe. Personally, I've seen a lot of horror films that I would rank right next to films like Yojimbo and The Godfather, movies generally considered to be uncompromisingly great. The film I'm set to review in this blog however, is not one of those movies.

Murder Party is an independent feature by Jeremy Saulnier. Its one of those movies that you see in the horror section of a DVD store and just shake your head at. But like many of its kind, Murder Party holds a lot more value than it lets on. I discovered this movie one night at work. It was a Thursday night at Hollywood Video and the staff was cleaning and getting ready for close when I stumbled into the stock room. I took a gander at the movies that were set to come out the following week; employees of most rental stores are allowed to rent the movies before their release dates, and as my eyes searched over the titles, a blood red box caught my eye. "Murder Party" it said, writting on the spine of the DVD in a free font most anyone can download on the internet (though the same can be said for many fonts used these days). As you can imagine, I was intrigued. Pulling out the case I'm greeted with amazing imagery; a man dressed as a knight (made out of cardboard) dual wielding chainsaws. Now, my chainsaw fetish in movies dates back to the Evil Dead series, so anyone with my same love for them should instantly find the movie enticing. Something about B-Grade movies with chainsaws is just really awesome; so of course I rented it. I must say, sometimes you just get lucky and you find a movie that just seems like it was made for you, Murder Party was one of those movies for me.

And now for a review...

As stated before, Murder Party is a film by Jeremy Saulnier, but it is credited to an entire group of filmmakers known as the Lab of Madness. As someone entering into the film without any prior knowledge of the group's work, expectations were set at a low level, as they should be for any B-Horror film. The film opens up calmly with shots of a low key neighborhood enjoying the wonderful time that is Halloween, especially in a neighborhood that embraces that type of spirit. We find ourselves following a small black envelope as it blows down the sidewalk in the wind. Soon enough, fate intervenes, the envelope is stopped by a foot stomping on it's form and pow, we meet our hero.

The movie focuses on a middle aged man who generally, represents the average Joe-Loser of America. He's traveling down the street, a bag of rented videos in his hand, when he stops the small black envelope on the sidewalk. Opening the letter he finds an invitation, an invitation to a "Murder Party" to which he uncharacteristically decides to attend upon receiving said invite. He heads to his mediocre home and prepares a costume, a comical knight outfit made from cardboard, and sets on his way to the party that would create the worst night of his life.

The "Murder Party" itself is merely a ruse, used by a group of starving "artists" gathered in the heart of a broken down warehouse for the night. Unknown to our soon to arrive hero, these "artists" are preparing to take the very person who receives the invitation, and kill them all in the name of art. These characters, all decked out in fully detailed Halloween costumes that actually represent their characters in a way (including a sweet Baseball Furies costume) tend to represent variations of the oh-so cliche'd pretentious artist types that people encounter. This is especially true for those of us with any involvement in the art & design world. These people do exist, and they really suck at life.

Its hard to really describe Murder Part in full, as much of the movie is driven on dialogue alone. Post the initial interactions of our protagonist and the group of not-so bright antagonists, the movie mixes spurts of action with a nice tone of black humor and a direct parody of artists to drive the entertainment. As for the physical action itself, bar an escape atttempt towards the middle of the movie by Chris, our hero, all of the action is reserved until the end, when all of the shit hits the fan. I won't ruin any of what happens in the movie during these parts, but Chris throwing a pile of trash at his captors and then running was priceless and really represented the dry humor the movie presents.

As for the movie itself, outside of a plot that makes me smile at even the mention of its title, was well above B standards. The first thing you might notice about the film is that its looks really nice. The cameras used on the film are obviously of higher quality than normal low budget releases and it shows, the movie has none of the shitty camera feel that many of its peers suffer from. A lot of the time, that alone can drive away a potential audience, a good camera just seems to make shit better.

It should be noted that bar maybe one or two of the performers, all of the characters in the movies are portrayed by members of the Lab of Madness team and themselves, creators of the film. Much of the cast aided the film by producing, writing, and creating special effects. In such, the acting in the film is better than expected. This however, is aided by the fact that the movie really requires no serious chops, bar a breakdown from Bill towards the end, and features very little in the way of characterization. This is forgiven however, based on the fact that horror movies don't require deep characters to be fucking awesome.

In the end of it all, Murder Party (more so than most movies) really comes down to taste. If you're looking for a movie to add to your collection next to Citizen Kane and Gone With the Wind, look elsewhere. But if you like movies where you can just tell how much the creators loved it, movies with a dry tone, movies with dark humor, and really awesome B-Grade horror general, Murder Party is waiting for you to attend. I guess I'll see you there..

But remember.. Everybody Dies!

Grade: B

001. No Country For Old Men.

2008-02-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

This is the official start to my blog, "Orange Juice & Gasoline" a movie review blog. I'm sure there are about 20,000 of these all over this here site, just like MP3 blogs and the oh so lovely personal diaries. Those are so great.. that little Rudy and his high school adventures are more than enough to keep me occupied for hours on end! The reviews in this blog are obviously my opinion and if you disagree, tell me, I don't care. But seriously... I'm gonna start this series off on a high, the way an opening should be. My first review will be the latest movie I've watched..

No Country For Old Men.

With Academy Awards for best Direction, Adapted Screenplay, Supporting Actor, and Overall Picture, a review from me will do little to sway a potential viewer in either a favorable or non-favorable direction. This fact, however, is irrelevant on the grounds that I don't care. Its not like I'm going to have a huge reading base anyway.

No Country For Old Men is the latest film from famed duo The Coen Brothers (Joel and Ethan). Set in a 1980's based Texas, No Country is a film adaptation of the novel of the same name by Cormac McCarthy. I don't know how the book reads, but let me say, that if the book is anywhere near as thrilling or gripping as the Coen Brothers' translation of it, pick that shit up. Now.

The film itself is set in a 1980's based Texas. Morals and ethics are key, especially in the small town-like theme that Sheriff Ed Tom Bell patrols. Bell is portrayed by Tommy Lee Jones (Men In Black, In the Valley of Ellah) whose aging physical stature and experience as a hard-ass, no nonsense officer of the law blends well with Bell's struggle to maintain a sense of decency in the ever changing world around him. Bell could be defined as a "Good 'ol Boy" in a way. He represents tradition and justice, nothing new if you've seen a number of Jones' previous films, and the fading relevance that the old fashioned mind set plays in a world where evil walks the streets. Evil like Anton Chigurh.

Anton Chigurh represents something that modern films have been lacking for the better part of the new century; a real villain. In fact, villain may be a bit of a generalization and in reality, a slight against the true force that Chigurh is. He isn't just a villain, Anton Chigurh is ruthlessness defined. Forget every archetype ever thrown at you in a typical murder drama setting, Chigurh is Jason Voorhees with a shotgun. Masterfully portrayed by the (unheard of to me) Javier Bardem, Anton Chigruh may be one of the most frightening human beings ever committed to film. There's a reason Bardem took home an Oscar for his work and by all means, the man deserves it. From the moment Bardem steps onto the screen and you get a taste of his all too human demonic gaze, his place as one of the most horrifying villains of the 21st Century was cemented.

While Jones plays the films conscience of sorts and Bardem keeps the audience in their seat with unequaled portrayal of evil, the film itself relies on Josh Brolin (Planet Terror, American Gangster) to move forward. Brolin portrays Llewelyn Moss, welder a verteran of the Vietnam War who stumbles into a world of trouble.

Adventuring out into the empty abyss that is the vast Texas desert, Moss hunts for antelope. His scoped rifle is loud and effective at firing at the prey long distances away. Tagging his target he moves forward to track the wounded prey, a goal he does not accomplish. Traveling outward into the emptiness of the desert Moss stumbles upon a scene of carnage. A drug deal gone bad. Bodies litter the area, laying in blood stained masses of dry earth, surrounded by a fortress of trucks. Moss investigates, discovering the drugs and ventures out to find the lone survivor of the gun fight. Finding a case filled with millions of dollars from the deal left over and claiming it as his own, Moss enters into a world of trouble. The owners of the money aquires the services of Anton Chigurh to track down the money. A race begins as Chigurh leaves a river of bodies in his wake in search of the fleeing Moss and the millions of dollars he possesses with Bell hot on the trails of the entire happening.

No Country For Old Men is quite simply, one of the most effective films of modern society, if not of all time. Standing next to an impressive body of work like Coen Brothers possess, No Country more than holds it own as one of the best pieces they have ever filmed. What made Joel and Ethan right for the film is every reason that the film itself is so effective. Not only do the Coens have beautiful craftsmanship, as the film itself is shot with unmatched skill, but where the Coens really shine is characterization and story; which No Country has in spades. With three equally important main characters to focus on, one could easily loose balance and portray one of the three as the true protagonist. Not the Coens. At no point in the two epic do the three characters ever feel out of balance, each has their importance and their goals, and without sharing the screen much at all, Jones, Brolin, and Bardem's fates all feel tightly intertwined.

No Country itself is characterized by the surreal lack of a score. To many, the idea of a two hour movie set in a desolate setting like Texas without even a trace of real music to keep the viewer involved sounds like torture. It isn't. The Coens present the movie in such a way that music would almost seem out of place, like the silence itself is a character at times. Big money blockbusters use music to present a certain mood or feeling. The Coens use silence in this film more effectively than any blockbuster's two-hundred thousand dollar soundtrack ever could.

All of this isn't to say that No Country isn't without flaws, though there aren't many and they're subjective. The film runs long (by modern standards) and without a touch of music to hold the viewer's hand, the casual movie watcher may not be able to enjoy the wonderful piece of work that the film is. Of course, the argument could be made that this movie isn't for them. I'd agree.

The film's ending seems to be another point of discussion. I'm not going to give anything away, but some like the ending, some don't. Nothing that most movies without a predictable closing don't face, but with the entirety of the film being so strong, I could see some viewing the ending of the tale as a let down. I for one, liked the closing.

Overall, No Country For Old Men is one of the best movies I have seen in a long time and might possibly be one of the best ever, at least to me. The Coen Brothers once again prove their seeming mastery of film with a movie that is gripping, thrilling, exciting, and unbelievable involving.

Grade: A

P.S. The writing of this was fueled by the album "White1" by Sunn O))), provided to me by my good friend Greg. Head on over to his music blog, "Life's A Bummer" for that album and many more quality recordings.

LIFE'S A BUMMER