X-Men Origins: Wolverine

So. Here we are again. It's a familiar situation, no? You know the one I'm talking about. You there, behind your computer screen, staring at this page fuming with rage and other scary stuff, and me, well I just frown. I know I neglect you baby, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, right? Let's just put all of this non-updating stuff behind us and just make.. looooove. How you ask? Well... by posting review number one of my

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER REVIEW PARTY!!!!!!!!

YAY!

I decided that in my endless amounts of boredom and in waiting for my damned Justice League episodes to download, fucking torrents, that I had nothing better to do than to show up and fill the internet with more of my bullshit writing. It's full of everyone else's bullshit writing, why can't I do it too? I guess I already have, I just don't do it very often. I think I might just create a Twitter for these reviews. Surely I could type 144 characters for a review right? Right?!

Meh.

Today we're gonna start with the first of the big summer movies that have hit this year, and appropriately, the first of them I saw. That's right, I'm talking about:


X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I know what you're thinking though. "But Joey. That movie came out in May, how can it be a summer blockbuster?" Well, let me answer that. It just is. It's not my fault all of the studios felt the need to release their big movies before summer actually got here. Maybe they're just all scared of Transformers pounding their box office numbers in the ass. Robot rape, with explosions. Michael Bay, FTW.

Now before I start this review I would like to point out some very important information. I, before anything else, am a comic book fan. There's nothing I like more than sitting down with a nicely prepared book of colorful art and well written prose. My entire childhood rests on the backs of characters and worlds created in comic books. My mind may as well exist in a land of comic book art, because I associate my entire life with the collective works of the comic book medium. Even Mark Millar.... MARK MILLAR! Ahem. Yes. Moving on.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is the first film in the Origins group of films and the fourth film in the X-Men franchise. The story follows comic book god character James "Wolverine" Howlett all throughout his life. Based loosely on the Origin comic book, which chronicled the life of Wolverine in great detail, X-Men Origins hit with quite a bit of hype surrounding it. Hugh Jackman is the only returning actor from the series, reprising his role as the X-Men's resident bad ass. Jackman also took up the mantle as a producer for the movie and I'm sure he had a hand in some of the other casting.

Before we talk about the movie some more, I want to say something about Gavin Hood. Fuck him. Hood came onto the Hollywood scene some time ago, but didn't really make a big mainstream splash until he put out Rendition, which starred Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. I never saw that movie, but I did hear some very good things about it. So when I heard that Hood was going to direct Wolverine, I was kind of excited. Then he does the very thing that pisses me off about comic book Hollywood. Hood comes out and says that he was never a fan of the books and that he never read them. He also said that he learned to love the character after reading up on him, but to me, that is not acceptable. A director hired who knows nothing about the source material, just irritates me. There are plenty of directors out there who know the X-Men franchise and every one of them would understand him better than Hood. Instead, we get a generic summer action film with some cool effects and the director trying to stuff some political undertones into it. SHIT.

The biggest appeal of Wolverine to me, and to many comic book fans, was surely the inclusion of a handful of lesser known comic book characters. I was ecstatic when I heard that the entire Weapon X program and some of the members were going to finally be in a movie. I love the Weapon X storyline, especially because it delivered me my favorite comic book character of all time. Deadpool. If you look at the movie's cast, you have Deadpool. Sabretooth, Maverick, Bolt, The Blob, Silverfox, Gambit, and even Emma Frost. Talk about fan service. Tons of beloved characters involved here. Even the casting of the roles was pretty much spot on, for the most part. Kevin Durang played an awesome Blob, Taylor Kitsch delivered as Gambit, Liev Schreiber was a good Sabretooth even without the right look, Ryan Reynolds was crafted by God to play Deadpool, and even will.i.am was a decent Kestrel. How can they fuck this up?!

The biggest flaw in this movie is the writing. That is undeniable. I don't blame Hugh Jackman, I don't blame Gavin Hood, I just blame the writers. I don't know who David Benioff and Skip Woods are, but they're now officially assholes. A little bit of research reveals that Benioff is actually a semi-well respected writer. He writes novels, including the 25th Hour, which was well adapted by Spike Lee into a good movie starring Edward Norton. However, when one looks at Skip Woods' filmography, you see the problem. Skip Woods' is the writer on such masterpieces as Swordfish, Htman, and the upcomic GI Joe and A-Team movies. A real genius. I now officially blame Skip Woods for ruining my life. FUCK SKIP WOODS.

How does any one person fuck up such a large amout of characters? I'm not sure that's even possible. I'm not sure he got even one character in that entire fucking movie correct outside of Wolverine and Sabretooth, who are still variations of themselves. Bolt on Team-X? An Asian merciless Maverick? Emma Frost as a flat-chested teenager with only diamond skin? Cyclops being hunted by Weapon X? A MOUTHLESS DEADPOOL? Gambit running up the fucking wall with a broken bo staff? I hate my life.

The entire time that was watching Wolverine, I felt like I was being raped. If you can imagine this film as a large man, picture him straddling my face against my will. That's what it was like. The writing was terrible, the characters were all ruined, and the storyline itself was laughable. I don't really know who to blame for this monstrosity, but we'll just settle on Fox. They hired everyone, so fuck them. Everything that happens in Wolverine is just an excuse for Hugh Jackman to yell, kill people, and dominate. If they're not setting up scenes for Jackman, they're setting up the inclusion of another character they don't understand.

In all, Wolverine is a mess of a comic book film. Most of the characters are two-dimensional or flat, outside of maybe Wolverine. Sabretooth is violent for no real reason and everyone else acts without a single though running through their mind. The highlights of the movie are the first five minutes you see each character, because after their five minutes they all go down hill. The only good things to come out of this movie are some cool fight seens, some stuff to make fun of, and some spin-offs for Taylor Kitsch and Ryan Reynolds. I will say however, to be fair, if you're not invested into these wonderful characters, you may like Wolverine. Without my knowledge of these characters, Wolverine could be just a big dumb action movie, and there's nothing wrong with that. Explosions, death, swords, and mutants. Sounds cool to me.

Grade: D

Seven Pounds

Have you ever looked at yourself really hard in the mirror and wondered "How heavy are my organs?". I have. In fact my organs weigh..


Seven Pounds.

In this hard hitting drama, director Gabrielle Muccino, formerly of the Pursuit of Happyness, pairs once again with Hollywood heavyweight Will Smith to whip another tale of loss and redemption at us in movieland. With an ensemble cast, a strong script, and support from the major studios, Muccino attempts to hit us with strike number two of his one-two combo of heavy dramas. How does he fare? Lets find out.

Will Smith stars as Ben Thomas, an IRS Agent with a secret. Tormented daily by the weight of his actions in his previous life, Thomas sets out on a mission of redemption. By finding seven honest to god good people, Thomas commits his life to changing these peoples' lives whether they know it or not. Along the way he meets and enters into a deep relationship with Emily, played by the stunning Rosario Dawson. As the relationship between Ben and Emily strengthens, Ben continues his quest of helping these complete strangers in their times of need. Supported by a monsterous supporting cast of Woody Harrelson, Barry Pepper, and Michael Ealy, who act as the people Thomas aims to help, we follow as Smith leads us on a journey for Ben to overcome the devilish secret in his past.

I've read all over the internet that Seven Pounds was a poor film, and I'm going to respectfully disagree. For my money, Seven Pounds was one hell of a film. While I will go ahead and say that it wasn't anything stunning or ground breaking, I cannot find it in me to see this as a bad movie. Right from the beginning, the film touts it's greatest assett, the strength of the actors involved. There isn't a single scene in this movie that is poorly done, so kudos to all involved. I myself am a fan of Mr. Will Smith and I was glad to see him turn in another wonderful perfomance as a man hell bent on helping others. Redemption is a common theme in movies and Seven Pounds delivers a strong tale of that. I was also pleased with the performances of the entire supporting cast, especially Rosario Dawson as Emily, an artist by trade with a heart ailment that prevents her from working in her field. I wish Hollywood would give her more of a chance to be the heavyweight in the leading actiress role she can be.

Seven Pounds however, isn't without flaw. There's nothing glaring at you as a problem, at least not to me, but there are a few issues to be addressed. At times, the sense of drama and mood in the story is a little much. I know the story is meant to be played very seriously, but very rarely does that mood change. Some may think that's a good thing, but it can be a little daunting to feel consumed by drama for two hours. Also, as much as I appreciate the story and watching Smith travel his dark road of redemption, parts of the story are a little unfocused. I get that the relationship between Emily and Ben is one of the main themes of the movie, but its presented in a way that makes it feel like its a distraction from the rest of the plot. Some parts feel under developed because so much time is diverted to the time Ben spends on Emily.

Overall, Seven Pounds seems like a pretty strong film to me. I didn't find it to be lacking anything, but rather, its execution was off. Some mood changes and a more focused would have accompanied the strong performances and relatable characters much better and we would have had a much better film to talk about today.


Grade: B

Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Oh my god.. a second blog in two days?! Yes indeed.

This is going to be the first of my brief reviews. Last night I sat and watched a documentary of one of the written word's most legendary figures, Hunter S. Thompson. The documentary, "Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson" is narrated by the infamous Johnny Depp whose deep and soft voice paints a wonderful picture of the once great journalist. In its two hour running time the film covers just about every aspect of Hunter's life one could expect. His birth, his childhood, his big break in journalism, Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing, etc. Told completely through a combination of interviews with people who knew him, Johnny Depp's narration, and old video of the man himself, I'd say the fim does a great job painting a portrait of HST. I knew little of the man before watching the film and now, I feel compelled to reach out and explore his work.

I definitely reccomend watching this documentary. Whether you are a fan of his work or know very little about him, the film is an entertaining watch either way.

Overall Score: A

Friday the 13th (2009)

To say that the original Friday the 13th is one of the most important horror movies of all time is an understatement. When you look at the movie today, the influences it had on modern culture are far to obvious to ignore. It was the movie that took the original slasher idea and turned it into a staple of not just the horror genre, but of the movie industry. Nearly all of the cliches established in modern slasher films can be traced back to the original Friday and with good reason, it's a great film. It may not have the dramatic build and critical acclaim that movies like The Godfather and Citizen Kane have, but its surely just as important. Looking back on that film, its hard to figure out where the film industry went wrong.

There's nothing better than a bit of nostalgia in the late hours of the night. Its like the aroma of a really strong cup of coffee, it just inspires you. So sit there and take a whiff as I review the newly released remake / reboot of one of horror's most beloved franchises.

The idea of remaking movies is a touchy subject for me. To be honest, I don't think that anyone can be whole-heartedly for or against the concept. There are some movies in the past that really deserve to be remade, movies that relied on effects and shock factor in a time where the technology wasn't as capable, these movies are fair to be remade into modern blockbusters, but there's also movies that should just be left alone. Certain movies that are made should be worshipped by lovers of film, not rehashed by modern studios in an attempt to draw in new viewers for a watered down piece of shit copy. The horror genre is especially raped by this dastardly plight of the modern big studio system. If someone came up to me and told me that they were going to remake The Godfather, I might just punch them in the pancreas. The Godfather is a classic and should be (and is) treated like so. Then why isn't the horror genre extended this very same pleasure?

Nothing is sacred in the world of horror apparently. This modern trend of taking literal horror classics and remaking them for a new and modern audience has bothered me since it began in 2003 with the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. While I have nothing against the remake itself, as I enjoyed it, that's quite like shitting on my sandwich. The original Massacre by Tobe Hooper was a fucking masterpiece of a horror film. Shot by amatuer film-makers on a low budget in the middle of the country, Massacre broke a lot of horror boundaries. It was a brutal film, even if it can be a bit hokey. However, somewhere in the world someone sitting atop some sort of mountain of money and babies decided that remaking the movie would be a great idea! (Michael Bay) The original is far too crappy right? So lets just take it and make a big budget adaptation that strips away a lot of the "charm" the original had in liue of name stars and cliche survivor girl antics! Little did they know they had just beheaded baby jesus.

Alas, what I'm trying to say is that when it comes to horror movies, there are certain stories you just shouldn't remake. We have icons too y'know? I mean, they even remade the fucking Shining. I know its an adaptation and all, and honestly its fair game, but c'mon! Did we need a second adaptation after Kubrick pretty much turned it into the greatest horror movie of all time? No. Remakes turn out to be big money and so with Texas in the bag, the rape of horror's biggest icons began! We soon got a remake of Halloween and a dozen Japanese horror films (do not get me started on that shit). Following them closely was Friday the 13th (I'll get to it I swear) and the planned Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street remakes. God I hate the world.

Anyhow, I've gotten off track! I need to start my, ahem, short review of Friday the 13th! Now!

Friday the 13th is the 2009 reboot of the classic 80's slasher film series. Most of the original movies followed the same plot; Horny degenerate teenagers head off to Camp Crystal Lake for a weekend of sin only to be cut down by the monsterous Jason Voorhees in a path of revenge for some camp counselors letting him drown and killing his mother years earlier. Fun right? Well this movie is not really much different. At least that got that much right..

The movie follows Clay (Jared Padalecki) who is in search of his missing little sister, who has ventured off to Crystal lake in the (far too long) opening sequence. As he posts flyers in the small surrounding town area, Clay has a run in with the aforementioned (second) group of horny young people. After a cute little interaction between the two main boys, the group heads off to the camp and Clay off to the rest of the town. Of course, you know the rest. Clay ends up at the camp and is terrorized by the gigantic slasher monster that is Jason. Not really much to summarize, right?

The biggest draw to this reboot of the Friday series was the supposedly new take on the character of Jason Voorhees. Before, Jason was a half retarded tank of a zombie with supernatural strength and endurance all in line with an uncanny ability of being ressurected everytime the producers needed more money. In the reboot however, Jason is a bit different. Gone is the super human strength and the zombie backstory, instead, Jason Voorhees is literally a towering man with amazing stamina and a learning disability, at least thats how it looks. There's a bit of an inconsistancy in the way that Jason is portrayed within the movie. On one hand, the newly established Jason is a master of hunting and killing. He's got tunnels that allow him to spring up all over the camp, he's well versed in the entire landscape, and he's pretty fucking efficient with more than a dozen different methods of killin' them humans. On the other hand, this monstrous killing machine manages to slip up on the story's two main characters. He fails to kill one when the sap is at his mercy, and just plain lets the other live. What the fuck writer? Am I supposed to believe this shit?

While I have my problems with the portrayal of the Jason character in the movie and the actual concept of the remake itself, I did enjoy the film. New Line Cinema has managed to effectively bring the Jason character back to life for a new generation of horror fans and update it to appeal to them as well. I applaud the film-makers for not feeing us another piece of shit movie with nothing but cliches to round out the story. Sure, the cliches are still there: the token black guy, the sex, and the drugs; but there's other more inventive stuff as well. Like a token asian guy! But seriously, in a world where it's very easy to just let your characters be horror movie idiots, the makers of Friday decided against it. For the first time in a while, the characters in the film seem to react like real people. Sticking together, freaking out, and calling the fucking police.

Overall, I'd say that Friday the 13th is definitely a pretty good remake. While it lacks the feel and charm of the original films, the film presents an enjoyable watch and delivers more than its share of kills. I found the plot to be interesting for its slight changes in the formula, but I was disapointed in the lack of real gore and the un-menacing portrayal of Jason Voorhees, the slasher genre's biggest bad ass.

Overall score: C+

Hello un-faithful followers of this blog. I know I haven't exactly posted enough to garner any attention, but I'd like to make an announcement. From here on out, I think i'll be posting shorter movie reviews, but in greater quanity. My goal is to post a short review of every single movie I watch. This will be quite a few posts seeing as I average about 12 a week, usually. Here's hoping I can achieve this monsteruous goal!

-- Love.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

As I sit here, staring at my television screen whilst Michael Rennie explores a world that is not his own as Klaatu in the 1951 version of The Day the Earth Stood Still, the urge to write a review of the most horrible viewing of the month has taken over me. Last night, December 13th, 2008, I went to the local movie theater to watch the brand spanking new release of The Day the Earth Stood Still, a 2008 re-make of the original sci-fi classic. The movie was the topper on an eventful day and to say that it was a fulfilling experience, is a dramatic overstatement of the truth. As all of you know.. I do not lie. EVER. Never ever. So screw yourselves into your chairs ladies and gentlemen, lets get started on the OJ&G review of...

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL!

Lets start with a little bit of the history, shall we? The original Day was the brainchild of film producer Julian Blaustein; who sat out to make a movie that would emphasize and illustrate the general feelings of fear of in the Cold War Era in the United States. In looking for a relevant subject matter, Blaustein read through a plethora of science fiction based short stories, looking for a story to adapt into his film. After reading over 100 different stories, Blaustein settled on "Farewell to the Master" by Harry Bates, and contacted screenwriter Edmund H. North to produce a script based on the story. Green-lit by 20th Century Fox, the film was under way with director Robert Wise at the helm. Wise has previously directed Blood on the Moon and The Cure of the Cat People and would go on to direct such classics as: Run Silent, Run Deep, Helen of Troy, West Side Story, The Haunting, and The Sound of Music. See? Sci-Fi directors CAN make good movies! Who knew?

Fast-forward 57 years to present day and here we are again, the premier of 20th Century Fox's The Day the Earth Stood Still. Oh yes ladies and gents, the movie is back and it's bigger and better than ever, well, it's bigger for sure. Updated for the audience of the modern day film viewer, the casual kind I mean, this remake has everything the would-be sci-fi lover needs. You know.. explosions, lots of military, space creatures, and Keanu Reeves! Fuck yeah man.. what else is there? In saying that this modern retelling of one of film's most prolific days was a letdown, I'm being very kind to the people at 20th Century Fox...but, on to the review!

Our adventure opens with a lone man in the midst of a dramatic snow storm, set many years before present time. As the man emerges from his warm, cove-like tent, the man begins sifting through the heavy falling snow. He moves forward slowly, climbing the mountain on which he has settled, he is Keanu Reeves. With a beard clinging to his face like John McCain to life, Reeves makes his way up the stoney, snow covered ridges before coming across a wicked glowing object. He moves forward, cautiously, as one would be when approaching a strange glowing object. Contact is made, strange things happen, the movie really begins...

It's all down hill from there.

The overall plot of 2008's The Day the Earth Stood Still is essentially exactly the same as the 1951 classic. In a bold move in modern movie remakes, the plot of the modern film is similar to that of the successful original film! OMG! For those of you out there who have seen the wonderful film that was created in 1951, I need not explain this to you, but for everyone else.. let me continue my breakdown of the film.

After the quick opening with Keanu Reeves' character, we are pushed into modern day and introduced to our protagonist for the film, Helen Benson, a famed astrobiologist and school teacher played by the wonderful Jennifer Connelly. Contacted by the government to aid in a potentially cataclysmic event, Helen is thrust into a plane with a variety of other scientists and experts. From here we see Helen integrated into the world of the panicked military world. An unidentified object is speeding towards Earth, destined to collide with Manhattan in minutes and vaporize the metropolis, putting a dent in the world at the same time. As we all know, however, this torpedo from the heavens isn't a bomb or meteor, it is in fact, a vessel. The UFO slows in its descent and lands peacefully in Central Park where it is confronted by who else? The United States military.

The worried humans surround the giant object, a grand glowing sphere of matter and energy (I guess a flying disc was too cliche?). Out from the light emerges a figure, a strangely human figure. Of course the humans react with fear.. and shoot the fucking thing. Of course! This helps to underline the overall message of the film.. not that it isn't repeated every 2 minutes from there on out. Anyhow.. the creature is rushed to the military hospital to be treated for the wounds. It is here that we learn of the human body living beneath the extraterrestrial skin of the creature. Skipping over a few meaningly happenings, this human body turns out to be none other than Keanu Reeves, who reveals himself to be Klaatu! Ah yes.. now the protagonists are complete.

While in holding Klaatu is interviewed by the U.S. Secretary of Defense, Kathy Bates. Yep.. the bitch who smashed that dude's foot all to hell in Misery is the Secretary of Defense. Awesome. Klaatu is interrogated and drugged, tested and examined by all of the military itelligence officers and scientists who just want to know the unkown. Helen, being a humanitarian aids Klaatu in his escape so that he may try to save the planet Earth, and now we're in the movie. The rest of the film focuses on the balance of the military trying to learn everything they can about Klaatu and the gianormous G.O.R.T., as well as re-capture the fugitive Klaatu, who is constantly accompanied by Helen and her step-son Jacob (Jaden Smith).

One would think.. that a movie like this would be pretty good. Well.. you would if you hadn't been constantly burned and jaded by modern Hollywood's uncanny ability to butcher and fuck-up every wonderful intellectual property there is to adapt. I for one, was hopeful for the success of the film. I was very, very disappointed.

The problem with The Day the Earth Stood Still.. is just a lack of quality. Yes, the movie looks nice, the special effects are wonderful (but not top notch mind you..), the budget was likely more money than I'll ever encounter in a hundred lifetimes. It features wonderful actors (and actresses!), who, in their other films have turned in inspiring performances that will lead the next generation of mindless fucking prima donnas to millions of dollars worth of paparazzi fodder. You would think that when your movie's outline is a successful movie in itself, it would be hard to fuck things up. Take a good movie, with good actors, and a big budget, and what do you get? This crap.. apparently.

I think.. the primary problem with the entire film, is that it was just poorly written. Flat dialogue, random changes in tone and feeling, and just the poorest ending to a would-be epic sci-fi film I've ever seen. The Day the Earth Stood Still, in all of its efforts to maintain a serious and dramatic tone all throughout the film. With chase scenes, people on the run, tense experiments and attacks from G.O.R.T., the film still tries to interject scenes of unnceccesary sentimentiality between Helen and Jacob. Now, I don't have a problem with sub-plots and issues in a film. As we all know, they craft a better movie overall sometimes. The problem in this film, is execution. If the film-makers had opted to devote a certain part of the film to the emotional interaction and uniting of Helen and Jacob after a series of small scenes to build up the tension between them, that would have been effective. Instead we get random interjections of mother-son drama in the midst of the attempted epic tension that is Klaatu on the run from the military. Add this onto occasional cheesy dialogue and ridiculous overall happenings, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I would like to point out the one shining light in the film, his name is Keanu Reeves. It is my theory that Hollywood is trying their hardest to kill Keanu Reeve' career. Ever since his lead role in the Matrix films where he played a stone faced god-like figure, Hollywood has typecast him into the roles of the most lacking personalities in movie history. However, no matter how hard they try, Keanu manages to at least provide a little bit of flare to these lifeless figures. Now, I don't think Reeves is the best actor in the world, but credit has to be given for pulling off his modern roles like no-one else can. After The Matrix, Reeves has been written as a similar character in Constantine (a dramatic departure from the comic book counterpart), A Scanner Darkly, and Street Kings. It seems that either Hollywood doesn't know how to write roles that emphasize his better abilities without looking lifeless, or if they just cast him in the worst writing jobs to make it look intentional. Regardless of the cause, Keanu Reeves plays Klaatu perfectly. In a mix between Neo and the Terminator, Reeves' lifeless performance manages to stand out in a world of horrid excuses for life.

That's not to say that the other actors were horrible, most of it was the fault of the script. Kathy Bates was mediocre, Jaden Smith was good for a kid (I guess), and Connelly plays her role well, even if it was a poorly characterized generic woman role. The best feature however, was the wonderful appearance of John Cleese in a non-comedic role. Cleese's appearance and interaction with Klaatu is the highlight of the film.. outside of the explosions that is.

The final point I'd like to touch on in this review.. is the overall moral message of the film. A lot like the original film, the modern version of Day touches on the violent demeanor of society and the destruction of our world by our own hands. Unlike the original movie however, the message is so blatantly displayed all throughout the movie, its hard to walk away not feeling scolded by the film. I've never experienced film that so directly scorns the world and the audience, firing a less than subtle shot at the world every 5 minutes or so. It felt like the movie wrote the moral on a hammer and continuosly smacked me in the fucking face all through the movie. The only problem with the moral.. is that its the same thing we all hear on the nightly news and from the mouths of politicians each and every night. Lame.

Overall, The Day the Earth Stood Still is a poor remake and an even poorer replacement for the classic. If I were you.. just go cop yourself the 50's version and enjoy the pure lifestyles and hilarious vocabulary. It's still a far superior film.

Overall Rating : D

(Look! New Scoring Format!)

P.S.

Look.. a special extra review.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951)
It fucking rules.

Overall Rating : A

003. The Happening

Hello Hello. Yes. Hello kiddies. That's right. I'm back with another stunning film review for all of my TWO readers. That's right fuckers. Its spreading like the fucking plague. Soon.. I'll have two and a half readers. A half? Yes. I need to meet some midgets.. and soon. Get on it.

Today.. we're going to talk about a little film you may have heard about. The Happening.


The Happening is the latest movie from M. Night Shyamalan. The film focuses on a small group of people on the run from a mysterious occurance that's rendering innocent denziens of America into helpless little vegetables. Now before I continue, I would just like to let everyone know one thing. I fucking hate M. Night Shymalan. I've seen most of his movies and personally, I believe them to be shit. Now I do hold a special place in my heart for Unbreakable, and just like everyone else, I enjoyed the Sixth Sense, but lets face it.. I have a raging hard on for Bruce Willis, so I'm giving him ALL of the credit. Fuck the little indian guy.

Before I get into the actual movie.. I'd like to provide a little bit of background into me watching the movie. As most of you know, I work at Hollywood Video. We receive the movies a week prior to their release date so that the employees can watch the movies to provide aid to any customer in peril. You know the types. "Oh please movie god.. Tell me.. is Mee the Spartans any good?". Yes. Them. Normally however.. I just watch whatever the hell I want to watch and just tell the dumb savages who shop at the store that their movie taste is divine. This week proved to be different however. After burning through the rentals that I was personally interested in, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer and 30 Rock Season Two (Tina Fey FTW), I decided that I would step up and rent the "blockbusters". These so called office breakers for the week were Adam Sandler's "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" and of course, M. Night's "The Happening".

Now, up to this point, I'd felt that I'd been a little bit unfair to my little indian companion and decided to give the Happening a fair chance. After all, it has the gorgeous Zooey Deschanel and Mark fucking Wahlberg in it, how bad could it be? In such, I sat the movie aside to watch after digesting the longer "Zohan". I still cannot tell if that was a mistake or not. I sat through the ridiculous SHIT that was the Zohan and proceeded to pop the Happening's cute little disc into my X-Box... my adventure then began.

The Happening opens with a scene in Central Park. Two girls talking on a park bench just as the invisble menace of the film strikes, rendering many of the citizens passing through immobile and suicidle. This initial scene sets the tone for the movie and introduces us to the threat itself, before we meet out protagonists for the film. Initially The Happening focuses on two middle aged school teachers. Elliot (Mark Wahlberg) a science teacher and Julian (John Leguizamo) a math teacher, who are pulled from their class rooms to attend a mid-day staff meeting. They are told of the threat and that school is cancelled, it is here that the plan for Elliot, Julian, and their families to escape is introduced.

From the school we follow Elliot home to meet with his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel) before they leave to meet up with Julian at the train station. The "attack" has spread over more of New York and they all plan to travel to Philadelphia (That's in Pennsylvania folks) until these "Happenings" clear up. At the train station we meet Julian daughter Jess, whom after a short period into the movie, Elliot and Alma are forced to take into their care. The rest of the movie follows the group and other would be survivors as they travel along in an attempt to escape the mysterious attacks on humans.

Going into this movie.. I expected the worst. Like most people, I'd heard that the only redeeming value of this movie was Mark Wahlberg and let me tell you folks, that's a fucking lie. I really couldn't tell you what it is, but Mark Wahlberg playing a straight laced school teacher with an emotional attatchment to a mood ring, just doesn't seem right. It seemed awfully forced at times, and rightfully so, Mark Wahlberg could easily face off againt any of Shymalan's boogie man antagonists. Aliens? Dead. Creatures in the forest? Dead. The dead? Dead... but it wasn't jus the perception. It almost seemed like Wahlberg had a hard time turning himself into such a pansy that his nice guy reactions seemed.. fake.

Now The Happening wasn't all bad. I applaude M. Night for taking an old school atmosphere approach to a horror film, if you can call it that. His use of the central antagonist was good and the shots displaying this menace were very well done. Overalll the story was well crafted but the overall concept was kind of flat from the start. In the moment when you find out what's causing all of the mysterios "happenings" may be the very same moment that you scoff at the entire film.

More often than not, I wouldn't reccomend this movie to anyone but Shymalan fans, not because its bad, but because of the movie's tendancy to result in a gargantuan "Meh". The Happening suffers from an almost uneventful plot, weak characters, and a serious lack of tension and atmosphere. Oh and let's not forget the super-exciting "twist" at the end of the movie, that just lack the previous movies M. Night has done, was unspectactular and fails to hold up to the bar set by "The Sixth Sense"

Grade: C

For being stunningly average..