X-Men Origins: Wolverine

So. Here we are again. It's a familiar situation, no? You know the one I'm talking about. You there, behind your computer screen, staring at this page fuming with rage and other scary stuff, and me, well I just frown. I know I neglect you baby, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, right? Let's just put all of this non-updating stuff behind us and just make.. looooove. How you ask? Well... by posting review number one of my

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER REVIEW PARTY!!!!!!!!

YAY!

I decided that in my endless amounts of boredom and in waiting for my damned Justice League episodes to download, fucking torrents, that I had nothing better to do than to show up and fill the internet with more of my bullshit writing. It's full of everyone else's bullshit writing, why can't I do it too? I guess I already have, I just don't do it very often. I think I might just create a Twitter for these reviews. Surely I could type 144 characters for a review right? Right?!

Meh.

Today we're gonna start with the first of the big summer movies that have hit this year, and appropriately, the first of them I saw. That's right, I'm talking about:


X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I know what you're thinking though. "But Joey. That movie came out in May, how can it be a summer blockbuster?" Well, let me answer that. It just is. It's not my fault all of the studios felt the need to release their big movies before summer actually got here. Maybe they're just all scared of Transformers pounding their box office numbers in the ass. Robot rape, with explosions. Michael Bay, FTW.

Now before I start this review I would like to point out some very important information. I, before anything else, am a comic book fan. There's nothing I like more than sitting down with a nicely prepared book of colorful art and well written prose. My entire childhood rests on the backs of characters and worlds created in comic books. My mind may as well exist in a land of comic book art, because I associate my entire life with the collective works of the comic book medium. Even Mark Millar.... MARK MILLAR! Ahem. Yes. Moving on.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine is the first film in the Origins group of films and the fourth film in the X-Men franchise. The story follows comic book god character James "Wolverine" Howlett all throughout his life. Based loosely on the Origin comic book, which chronicled the life of Wolverine in great detail, X-Men Origins hit with quite a bit of hype surrounding it. Hugh Jackman is the only returning actor from the series, reprising his role as the X-Men's resident bad ass. Jackman also took up the mantle as a producer for the movie and I'm sure he had a hand in some of the other casting.

Before we talk about the movie some more, I want to say something about Gavin Hood. Fuck him. Hood came onto the Hollywood scene some time ago, but didn't really make a big mainstream splash until he put out Rendition, which starred Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. I never saw that movie, but I did hear some very good things about it. So when I heard that Hood was going to direct Wolverine, I was kind of excited. Then he does the very thing that pisses me off about comic book Hollywood. Hood comes out and says that he was never a fan of the books and that he never read them. He also said that he learned to love the character after reading up on him, but to me, that is not acceptable. A director hired who knows nothing about the source material, just irritates me. There are plenty of directors out there who know the X-Men franchise and every one of them would understand him better than Hood. Instead, we get a generic summer action film with some cool effects and the director trying to stuff some political undertones into it. SHIT.

The biggest appeal of Wolverine to me, and to many comic book fans, was surely the inclusion of a handful of lesser known comic book characters. I was ecstatic when I heard that the entire Weapon X program and some of the members were going to finally be in a movie. I love the Weapon X storyline, especially because it delivered me my favorite comic book character of all time. Deadpool. If you look at the movie's cast, you have Deadpool. Sabretooth, Maverick, Bolt, The Blob, Silverfox, Gambit, and even Emma Frost. Talk about fan service. Tons of beloved characters involved here. Even the casting of the roles was pretty much spot on, for the most part. Kevin Durang played an awesome Blob, Taylor Kitsch delivered as Gambit, Liev Schreiber was a good Sabretooth even without the right look, Ryan Reynolds was crafted by God to play Deadpool, and even will.i.am was a decent Kestrel. How can they fuck this up?!

The biggest flaw in this movie is the writing. That is undeniable. I don't blame Hugh Jackman, I don't blame Gavin Hood, I just blame the writers. I don't know who David Benioff and Skip Woods are, but they're now officially assholes. A little bit of research reveals that Benioff is actually a semi-well respected writer. He writes novels, including the 25th Hour, which was well adapted by Spike Lee into a good movie starring Edward Norton. However, when one looks at Skip Woods' filmography, you see the problem. Skip Woods' is the writer on such masterpieces as Swordfish, Htman, and the upcomic GI Joe and A-Team movies. A real genius. I now officially blame Skip Woods for ruining my life. FUCK SKIP WOODS.

How does any one person fuck up such a large amout of characters? I'm not sure that's even possible. I'm not sure he got even one character in that entire fucking movie correct outside of Wolverine and Sabretooth, who are still variations of themselves. Bolt on Team-X? An Asian merciless Maverick? Emma Frost as a flat-chested teenager with only diamond skin? Cyclops being hunted by Weapon X? A MOUTHLESS DEADPOOL? Gambit running up the fucking wall with a broken bo staff? I hate my life.

The entire time that was watching Wolverine, I felt like I was being raped. If you can imagine this film as a large man, picture him straddling my face against my will. That's what it was like. The writing was terrible, the characters were all ruined, and the storyline itself was laughable. I don't really know who to blame for this monstrosity, but we'll just settle on Fox. They hired everyone, so fuck them. Everything that happens in Wolverine is just an excuse for Hugh Jackman to yell, kill people, and dominate. If they're not setting up scenes for Jackman, they're setting up the inclusion of another character they don't understand.

In all, Wolverine is a mess of a comic book film. Most of the characters are two-dimensional or flat, outside of maybe Wolverine. Sabretooth is violent for no real reason and everyone else acts without a single though running through their mind. The highlights of the movie are the first five minutes you see each character, because after their five minutes they all go down hill. The only good things to come out of this movie are some cool fight seens, some stuff to make fun of, and some spin-offs for Taylor Kitsch and Ryan Reynolds. I will say however, to be fair, if you're not invested into these wonderful characters, you may like Wolverine. Without my knowledge of these characters, Wolverine could be just a big dumb action movie, and there's nothing wrong with that. Explosions, death, swords, and mutants. Sounds cool to me.

Grade: D

Seven Pounds

Have you ever looked at yourself really hard in the mirror and wondered "How heavy are my organs?". I have. In fact my organs weigh..


Seven Pounds.

In this hard hitting drama, director Gabrielle Muccino, formerly of the Pursuit of Happyness, pairs once again with Hollywood heavyweight Will Smith to whip another tale of loss and redemption at us in movieland. With an ensemble cast, a strong script, and support from the major studios, Muccino attempts to hit us with strike number two of his one-two combo of heavy dramas. How does he fare? Lets find out.

Will Smith stars as Ben Thomas, an IRS Agent with a secret. Tormented daily by the weight of his actions in his previous life, Thomas sets out on a mission of redemption. By finding seven honest to god good people, Thomas commits his life to changing these peoples' lives whether they know it or not. Along the way he meets and enters into a deep relationship with Emily, played by the stunning Rosario Dawson. As the relationship between Ben and Emily strengthens, Ben continues his quest of helping these complete strangers in their times of need. Supported by a monsterous supporting cast of Woody Harrelson, Barry Pepper, and Michael Ealy, who act as the people Thomas aims to help, we follow as Smith leads us on a journey for Ben to overcome the devilish secret in his past.

I've read all over the internet that Seven Pounds was a poor film, and I'm going to respectfully disagree. For my money, Seven Pounds was one hell of a film. While I will go ahead and say that it wasn't anything stunning or ground breaking, I cannot find it in me to see this as a bad movie. Right from the beginning, the film touts it's greatest assett, the strength of the actors involved. There isn't a single scene in this movie that is poorly done, so kudos to all involved. I myself am a fan of Mr. Will Smith and I was glad to see him turn in another wonderful perfomance as a man hell bent on helping others. Redemption is a common theme in movies and Seven Pounds delivers a strong tale of that. I was also pleased with the performances of the entire supporting cast, especially Rosario Dawson as Emily, an artist by trade with a heart ailment that prevents her from working in her field. I wish Hollywood would give her more of a chance to be the heavyweight in the leading actiress role she can be.

Seven Pounds however, isn't without flaw. There's nothing glaring at you as a problem, at least not to me, but there are a few issues to be addressed. At times, the sense of drama and mood in the story is a little much. I know the story is meant to be played very seriously, but very rarely does that mood change. Some may think that's a good thing, but it can be a little daunting to feel consumed by drama for two hours. Also, as much as I appreciate the story and watching Smith travel his dark road of redemption, parts of the story are a little unfocused. I get that the relationship between Emily and Ben is one of the main themes of the movie, but its presented in a way that makes it feel like its a distraction from the rest of the plot. Some parts feel under developed because so much time is diverted to the time Ben spends on Emily.

Overall, Seven Pounds seems like a pretty strong film to me. I didn't find it to be lacking anything, but rather, its execution was off. Some mood changes and a more focused would have accompanied the strong performances and relatable characters much better and we would have had a much better film to talk about today.


Grade: B

Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

Oh my god.. a second blog in two days?! Yes indeed.

This is going to be the first of my brief reviews. Last night I sat and watched a documentary of one of the written word's most legendary figures, Hunter S. Thompson. The documentary, "Gonzo: The Life and Works of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson" is narrated by the infamous Johnny Depp whose deep and soft voice paints a wonderful picture of the once great journalist. In its two hour running time the film covers just about every aspect of Hunter's life one could expect. His birth, his childhood, his big break in journalism, Hell's Angels, Fear and Loathing, etc. Told completely through a combination of interviews with people who knew him, Johnny Depp's narration, and old video of the man himself, I'd say the fim does a great job painting a portrait of HST. I knew little of the man before watching the film and now, I feel compelled to reach out and explore his work.

I definitely reccomend watching this documentary. Whether you are a fan of his work or know very little about him, the film is an entertaining watch either way.

Overall Score: A

Friday the 13th (2009)

To say that the original Friday the 13th is one of the most important horror movies of all time is an understatement. When you look at the movie today, the influences it had on modern culture are far to obvious to ignore. It was the movie that took the original slasher idea and turned it into a staple of not just the horror genre, but of the movie industry. Nearly all of the cliches established in modern slasher films can be traced back to the original Friday and with good reason, it's a great film. It may not have the dramatic build and critical acclaim that movies like The Godfather and Citizen Kane have, but its surely just as important. Looking back on that film, its hard to figure out where the film industry went wrong.

There's nothing better than a bit of nostalgia in the late hours of the night. Its like the aroma of a really strong cup of coffee, it just inspires you. So sit there and take a whiff as I review the newly released remake / reboot of one of horror's most beloved franchises.

The idea of remaking movies is a touchy subject for me. To be honest, I don't think that anyone can be whole-heartedly for or against the concept. There are some movies in the past that really deserve to be remade, movies that relied on effects and shock factor in a time where the technology wasn't as capable, these movies are fair to be remade into modern blockbusters, but there's also movies that should just be left alone. Certain movies that are made should be worshipped by lovers of film, not rehashed by modern studios in an attempt to draw in new viewers for a watered down piece of shit copy. The horror genre is especially raped by this dastardly plight of the modern big studio system. If someone came up to me and told me that they were going to remake The Godfather, I might just punch them in the pancreas. The Godfather is a classic and should be (and is) treated like so. Then why isn't the horror genre extended this very same pleasure?

Nothing is sacred in the world of horror apparently. This modern trend of taking literal horror classics and remaking them for a new and modern audience has bothered me since it began in 2003 with the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. While I have nothing against the remake itself, as I enjoyed it, that's quite like shitting on my sandwich. The original Massacre by Tobe Hooper was a fucking masterpiece of a horror film. Shot by amatuer film-makers on a low budget in the middle of the country, Massacre broke a lot of horror boundaries. It was a brutal film, even if it can be a bit hokey. However, somewhere in the world someone sitting atop some sort of mountain of money and babies decided that remaking the movie would be a great idea! (Michael Bay) The original is far too crappy right? So lets just take it and make a big budget adaptation that strips away a lot of the "charm" the original had in liue of name stars and cliche survivor girl antics! Little did they know they had just beheaded baby jesus.

Alas, what I'm trying to say is that when it comes to horror movies, there are certain stories you just shouldn't remake. We have icons too y'know? I mean, they even remade the fucking Shining. I know its an adaptation and all, and honestly its fair game, but c'mon! Did we need a second adaptation after Kubrick pretty much turned it into the greatest horror movie of all time? No. Remakes turn out to be big money and so with Texas in the bag, the rape of horror's biggest icons began! We soon got a remake of Halloween and a dozen Japanese horror films (do not get me started on that shit). Following them closely was Friday the 13th (I'll get to it I swear) and the planned Hellraiser and Nightmare on Elm Street remakes. God I hate the world.

Anyhow, I've gotten off track! I need to start my, ahem, short review of Friday the 13th! Now!

Friday the 13th is the 2009 reboot of the classic 80's slasher film series. Most of the original movies followed the same plot; Horny degenerate teenagers head off to Camp Crystal Lake for a weekend of sin only to be cut down by the monsterous Jason Voorhees in a path of revenge for some camp counselors letting him drown and killing his mother years earlier. Fun right? Well this movie is not really much different. At least that got that much right..

The movie follows Clay (Jared Padalecki) who is in search of his missing little sister, who has ventured off to Crystal lake in the (far too long) opening sequence. As he posts flyers in the small surrounding town area, Clay has a run in with the aforementioned (second) group of horny young people. After a cute little interaction between the two main boys, the group heads off to the camp and Clay off to the rest of the town. Of course, you know the rest. Clay ends up at the camp and is terrorized by the gigantic slasher monster that is Jason. Not really much to summarize, right?

The biggest draw to this reboot of the Friday series was the supposedly new take on the character of Jason Voorhees. Before, Jason was a half retarded tank of a zombie with supernatural strength and endurance all in line with an uncanny ability of being ressurected everytime the producers needed more money. In the reboot however, Jason is a bit different. Gone is the super human strength and the zombie backstory, instead, Jason Voorhees is literally a towering man with amazing stamina and a learning disability, at least thats how it looks. There's a bit of an inconsistancy in the way that Jason is portrayed within the movie. On one hand, the newly established Jason is a master of hunting and killing. He's got tunnels that allow him to spring up all over the camp, he's well versed in the entire landscape, and he's pretty fucking efficient with more than a dozen different methods of killin' them humans. On the other hand, this monstrous killing machine manages to slip up on the story's two main characters. He fails to kill one when the sap is at his mercy, and just plain lets the other live. What the fuck writer? Am I supposed to believe this shit?

While I have my problems with the portrayal of the Jason character in the movie and the actual concept of the remake itself, I did enjoy the film. New Line Cinema has managed to effectively bring the Jason character back to life for a new generation of horror fans and update it to appeal to them as well. I applaud the film-makers for not feeing us another piece of shit movie with nothing but cliches to round out the story. Sure, the cliches are still there: the token black guy, the sex, and the drugs; but there's other more inventive stuff as well. Like a token asian guy! But seriously, in a world where it's very easy to just let your characters be horror movie idiots, the makers of Friday decided against it. For the first time in a while, the characters in the film seem to react like real people. Sticking together, freaking out, and calling the fucking police.

Overall, I'd say that Friday the 13th is definitely a pretty good remake. While it lacks the feel and charm of the original films, the film presents an enjoyable watch and delivers more than its share of kills. I found the plot to be interesting for its slight changes in the formula, but I was disapointed in the lack of real gore and the un-menacing portrayal of Jason Voorhees, the slasher genre's biggest bad ass.

Overall score: C+

Hello un-faithful followers of this blog. I know I haven't exactly posted enough to garner any attention, but I'd like to make an announcement. From here on out, I think i'll be posting shorter movie reviews, but in greater quanity. My goal is to post a short review of every single movie I watch. This will be quite a few posts seeing as I average about 12 a week, usually. Here's hoping I can achieve this monsteruous goal!

-- Love.